Episode 9: Surviving the Holidays

Kayla: Hello everyone. On this week’s episode of the podcast, we are talking about surviving the holidays. The holidays, as a mom, is such a busy time because there is so much to do, there’s lots of stuff going on for school, lots of planning for upcoming holidays and it’s just crazy time.

Kayla: So for this week’s episode, it is going to be different. I did not interview a guest and I actually took a webinar from my mindful parenting collective group coaching program and I edited it a little bit, since I didn’t get any permission from my group, so I edit them, their responses and stuff out. So you’re just going to hear me and it’s going to be a little bit different, and I just wanted you to have a bit of a heads up before we started.

Kayla: One last thing that I did want to add is because this is a presentation that I took, or a webinar that I took, from my group coaching program. If you want to look at the slides and not just hear it on the podcast, you can actually access those on YouTube by searching the modern moms roadmap to balance podcast on YouTube, and so for this episode, you’ll actually be able to see the slides for that. So here we go.

Kayla: Hello everyone. The holidays can be a stressful time of year for anyone, but it’s especially stressful for moms, who always seem to be the one to handle everything. There’s holiday parties at school, there’s gift exchanges, there’s family exchanges, there’s dinners and desserts to prepare and cookies to bake and decorate, and all the holiday magic that needs to be dispersed, possibly starting October 31.

Kayla: And being on the cusp of the holiday season makes this the perfect opportunity to talk about how to survive the holidays. And the reason why you survive instead of stress free holiday season is because, no matter what we do, there’s going to be some level of stress. So let’s start by having some realistic expectations in the beginning. No, holidays are not going to be stress free, but we can get through them, and hopefully in a more manageable way.

Kayla: We’ll be talking about reflecting on the meaning of the holiday season, how you can’t be the switch. Which Thanksgiving chef and Santa answering the questions will I ever enjoy myself again and how do I get everything done?

Kayla: First, we’re going to start off reflecting on the meaning of the holiday season Before we dive in. I want to start us out with an exercise, so, if you feel comfortable, I want you to close your eyes, have your hands on your thighs and take a deep breath in and exhale Another deep breath in, exhale Again. Breathe in, exhale. And one last time, breathe in Exhale, keeping your eyes closed.

Kayla: I want you to put your attention to the back of your head. You notice any sensations. Put your focus there Now. Move your focus to the back of your neck, continuing to breathe. Now move to the back of your arms Now notice the back of your back, the way it sits in the chair. You notice any sensations Anywhere your stress hits, any tightness.

Kayla: Now move your attention to the bottom of your hands, the way it feels against your hands or your legs, or the fabric of your skirt. Continuing to breathe. Now move your focus to the back of your legs and now move your focus to the bottoms of your feet, continuing to breathe.

Kayla: Now take a deep breath in, exhale Again. In and exhale, continuing to breathe. I want you to reflect on what the holiday season means for you. You can even think of one of your fondest holiday memories, one of your most cherished, one of your most cherished. Continuing to breathe, thank you. Take a deep breath in, exhale One last time. Breathe in, exhale, exhale. When you’re ready, you can open your eyes.

Kayla: How was that experience for you? Did you notice any differences from when we first started the exercise to how you’re feeling now? What did you notice in your body? Was there anything that caught your attention when you were doing that body scan?

Kayla: It’s interesting what can shine out whenever we’re putting our focus on it, like intentionally trying to focus on something versus everything else going on around us. So the exercise itself, besides the reflection, is called having your own back, because this is something that you can do even without my help Just being able to focus on your breathing, getting yourself into a relaxed state as much as possible and putting your focus on your body and how it feels, and breathing through that.

Kayla: While we’re on this topic, let’s talk about a few more nervous system regulating exercises that you can do in different moments. So that one was called having your own back.

Kayla: Another one is called havening, and what this technique is is putting your focus on the way your skin to skin contact feels on your own. So it can look like rubbing your hands together, as if you’re putting lotion on, but very slowly. And the benefit of this specific technique is it can be done discreetly, so if you’re in a meeting or in a computer meeting, a Zoom meeting, right? It’s something you can do when no one’s going to know that you’re doing it.

Kayla: So if you’re starting to feel a little bit anxious or stressed, you can start rubbing your hands together very slowly, or even up and down your arms, just feeling that skin to skin contact for yourself.

Kayla: Then there is another technique that a lot of people will feel a little bit embarrassed doing this, you hug yourself really tight, just as tight as you can, and you can try this with me. Hug yourself tight and then slowly just sway side to side and you can focus on your breath while you’re doing this. This can be a calming effect. You have the pressure and the swaying together, and giving yourself two to five minutes to do this can help to calm that nervous system that might be starting to freak out because of the holidays and all of the things that may need to get done.

Kayla: This is something you can do on your own, and you can even involve your kids in this exercise too. Instead of having them hug themselves, you can be the one hugging them. So co-regulating you hugging them and y’all both swaying side to side. So for one, you can build connection. You’re having that contact with them, they’re able to co-regulate and you’re teaching them something that they can do on their own as well.

Kayla: Then there’s just swaying side to side. This is something that I catch myself doing in just different events, while I’m waiting around for something and I don’t know if it’s because I’m so used to in the past having to always carry a baby and you just kind of rock and I find myself doing this.

Kayla: If I’m waiting around for something, like if I’m in line at the grocery store, I’ll catch myself kind of swaying side to side. Or I recently noticed that I did this at the gym. While I was kind of in between my sets and in my resting, I found myself kind of swaying back and forth and when I was creating the presentation I was like, oh my gosh, I do this Not intentionally, just something that I do and it does help me. So I’ve tried to be a little bit more intentional when I’m in those times like, oh, this is an opportunity for me to just slow down, even if it’s for 30 seconds.

Kayla: Then there’s singing and dancing. It doesn’t have to be at the same time, it doesn’t have to be in front of an audience, but singing can help, especially in the low tones. That vibration is really helpful for signaling safety for ourselves. You can sing your favorite song, sing carols, and then there’s dancing. So dancing with the movement and also just getting some of that energy out.

Kayla: We sometimes will carry just pent up energy because maybe we’re waiting for something or we’re overly excited about something coming up or nervous about something. We can give ourselves a three minute dance party in our kitchen or in our living room or even in our bedroom. But these are just a few easy, simple tools that you can do. That’s not gonna take more than five to 10 minutes at the max, and you can do some of these in as little as a minute 30 seconds to a minute.

Kayla: So now that I’ve given you some tools you can use to relieve some of the stress, let’s talk about the expectations we set for ourselves. You can’t be the switch which Thanksgiving chef and Santa. In the next few slides we’re going to revisit some helpful tips from week four that will come in handy when we’re trying to set these realistic expectations.

Kayla: The first is you have limited resources. Time, energy and money are all limited resources. They’re simply not enough of any of these to ensure that everything we do as a mom, especially during the holidays, is gonna go 100% as planned.

Kayla: Special occasions probably would be amazing if we had unlimited money to spend. We could vacation anywhere we wanted, add a place with huge staff to indulge our every whim and need 24 hour babysitting services. We could hire a company to cater everything, all our holiday parties and clean up after the guest sleep. Doesn’t that sound amazing? Having unlimited time and energy would also help enable us to think through every possible detail of an event and consider every contingency.

Kayla: But of course, our resources are finite and, as a result, things like vacations and holidays usually end up strushing us pretty thin, both financially and emotionally. And one thing to remember is even if you do give 100% of your time to even just one thing, there’s gonna be other areas in our life that fall through the cracks. So we have limited resources.

Kayla: You can’t control your environment. Special occasions typically occur in unfamiliar environments like relatives homes or over the holidays, or possibly in a cramped hotel room in an unfamiliar vacation spot. When you’re at home on your own turf, you can easily find that sippy cup or throw a load of laundry in or even whip up a box of mac and cheese really quick.

Kayla: But when you’re in unfamiliar terrain, it takes a lot more effort just to do some of those basic things like get yourself in your kids’ dress and fed and all those other things that come your way. When trying to celebrate on vacation and if you’re staying with relatives, you’re always subject to their house rules which may be different from your own, and this can be particularly problematic when your relatives don’t share your same parenting values. I’ve worked with several clients who have mentioned they dread staying with their family members who have different sleep schedules or screen time rules, and it completely throws them off and we can’t control our kids.

Kayla: And this is especially true. It can feel especially true during these special occasions, when kids are exposed to lots of unfamiliar things that prime them or that can prime them for bad behavior. They’re off their regular schedule and routine. They’re sometimes given loads of sugar snacks and when it comes to the holidays, lots of toys, lots of newness. They may skip naps and have difficulty sleeping.

Kayla: If they’re in hotels or at relatives’ homes, they may be surrounded by lots of unfamiliar family members who freak them out or spoil them relentlessly. It’s not unusual for kids to act differently when they’re around large groups or if they’re around, relatives who just wind them up a certain way, and, of course, we can’t always show up as our best selves, and holidays, trips and special events are often stressful situations for adults because we’re also off our routines and subject to other people’s whims and preferences. So when you add cranky, out of sorts little kids to the mix, we’re praying for adult-size meltdowns.

Kayla: So how do we actually set these realistic expectations? We wanna start by thinking about your values, and thinking about your values can be a helpful North Star, so to say, when thinking about the expectations you wanna set for yourself during the holiday season.

Kayla: So things to think about are what is it that you value most during the holidays? What kind of experience do you wanna create for your kids? How do you wanna be spending your time? Those are questions to ponder as you start planning for all the upcoming holiday events that may be on your schedule.

Kayla: And once you’ve thought about your values, then you can reflect on your kids, and what I mean by this is you can think about your kids’ temperament. What are some of the activities they value most? What are their needs for connection, for outside time or for craft time and for rest? Thinking through questions like these can help you determine if there are any special projects, tasks and events that you may want to prioritize for them or even scrap.

Kayla: And then it’s thinking about your own needs. Now that you’ve given yourself time to think about others, you need to give yourself some space to think about your own needs during the holiday season. Is there a special tradition that you wanna keep in your family that was special to you when you were growing up? Is there a special activity that you want to do with your kids or a special event that you wanna take them to? What are you going to need for yourself in order to be present throughout these activities? Yes, it’s a stressful and busy time, but you also deserve the time and space to relax, even if it’s in 15 to 30 minute increments.

Kayla: So one of the things that I found to be a most stressful during the holiday season is the realization that you can’t actually enjoy yourself. Sure, there are parts and moments you enjoy, but it’s not in the same way you remember before you had kids. There is no more relaxing on the couch, binging the never ending Hallmark Christmas movies or cooking shows, or the casual shopping trips you probably looked forward to in the past, if shopping’s your thing.

Kayla: Before kids, going to last minute social gatherings was easy and so, where the last minute favors, family members requested, so like grabbing a few things from the grocery store. We live basically in town and my in-laws live outside of town like 20 minutes, so it takes them 20 minutes, 20, 30 minutes to get to grocery store. So that means if they forget something we’re the ones who they often call oh, can you stop by Walmart or HEB, cause that’s all we have. Can you stop by Walmart or HEB to grab batteries, because we bought your kid a gift with batteries in it but we forgot the batteries? Or can you grab eggs? Just those things.

Kayla: And with small children, it’s hard for them to wait in the car, it’s hard for them to wait for anything, and now you’re battling everyone who’s trying to get the batteries and the eggs they forgot. So with these things, with kids just as to like stress and they just look like inconveniences.

Kayla: So now we’ll get into ways that we can more realistically enjoy the holiday season, because the truth is you can, but it’s not going to be in the same way as before kids. Choose a few family gatherings or none at all, whether you live near or far from family.

Kayla: The thought of family likely crosses your mind during this time of year. You may be thinking who should we prioritize in the visits? Or you may also be thinking is it worth it to drive or fly all the way to visit family for the small period of time? The answers to these questions vary depending on the age of your kids, but one thing to keep in mind is, if you have a small child who absolutely hates the car seat, do yourself a favor and don’t go on a long trip that will require them to be held down in a car seat for an extended period of time, unless it’s absolutely necessary if someone is on their deathbed or at very, very old age and you’re like I really want them to see them. Okay, but you need to decide that for yourself.

Kayla: But if you’re trying to convince yourself, it’s gonna be fine, once we get there it’s gonna be great. That time spent in the car is going to negate any of the positive experiences you have during the family time, because it’s the start and end. All the fun stuff’s in the middle, and so you’re starting and ending on a stress note and it’s going to be difficult to remember the fun, enjoyable moments that you are going to have or had when it’s sandwiched into two bad experiences.

Kayla: So going one or two years without making a long trip is just going to help you feel better in these moments than trying to reflect on oh, my kid hated the car seat. In the future, if there’s a special party or event that you’re most looking forward to, this is going to be the time to hire a babysitter. You’re not gonna wanna have to manage your kids at these events, because it’s just gonna be disastrous and you will in no way get to enjoy any bit of that experience that you’d been looking forward to. So do yourself a favor hire a babysitter for that extra special event that you’re looking forward to.

Kayla: Pick one tradition that means most to you. Okay, maybe three, because I mean, who are we kidding? We can’t just pick one. Perhaps you have certain traditions that stem from your childhood and you wanna make sure kids have wonderful memories of them too. But let’s face it, your life is already busy and your hands are full. So how do you think you’re going to fulfill all of those expectations of your holidays if you’re so stressed?

Kayla: So let’s pick one, or maybe three. You can sit down with your partner and discuss and choose one or two things you each wanna make sure happens, because it all means a lot to us or else we wouldn’t wanna try and do them and we want to focus on the one or two things that mean the most to us, and maybe even the ones that are most age appropriate as well.

Kayla: So let’s stop doing traditions that don’t work for us anymore just because we’ve always done it. That way, you can have a meaningful holiday until you decide what it is about the holiday that makes it meaningful to you.

Kayla: I remember there was one year I think, oh, I was pregnant with my second child and Lane was not a baby, but he was still like two, so getting into stuff, maybe two or three, and they were making the malice and they asked me to help and I said no because I was not gonna stand on my feet hours trying to make the malice.

Kayla: And, yes, it’s fun time chatting, but I still had fun chatting sitting on the stool and the malice doesn’t. It didn’t mean as much as it meant to the people who were doing them in that moment. But as someone who struggles with people pleasing tendencies, that was hard to say. No, I was very happy to blame it on being pregnant.

Kayla: I expect that family time will make things a little bit more chaotic. We spend a lot of time at the holidays with family members who may have different ideas about child rearing than we do. I expect that you won’t be able to maintain your own rules and routine and if you’ve got lots of guests over or if you’re a guest in someone else’s home, setting that expectation first can make it a lot easier to just say screw it in that moment, because sometimes it’s not about following the rules just to follow them, but making some flexibility during these special times.

Kayla: Set expectations for your children. Children do best when they’re prepared for what’s going to happen next. So if you can try and be clear about what they can expect and what you can expect from them, let children know what will happen and when. So for young children who can’t really tell time, you can use landmarks Like first we’re going to go to grandma’s and once we go to grandma’s, this is what’s going to happen, we’re going to have breakfast, and just easy things for them to know, to be prepared for.

Kayla: And even for kids who do tell time my son the oldest. He knows what time things are. But if I tell them, if I tell him at six and this is the morning, at six in the evening we’re going to do this he’s going to be asking is it six? At how long is it till six? Is it almost there? Oh, mom, you know what time it is. It’s two o’clock. Yes, yes, we’re almost. We have what to four more hours, it’s just six.

Kayla: And this happened actually this last weekend when he was invited to a friend’s birthday party and we were going to go to the six o’clock part of the birthday party. As it was like a two part birthday party, yeah, it was like we’re eating at a pizza place at three and then we’re going to go to a jump place at six. So we’re like, okay, we’re just going to jump.

Kayla: Yeah, so if you have a child like that, give them Like in the evening, we’re going to do this versus a specific time. Well, so they might be the one to ask you over and over again what time is it? Are you aware of the time?

Kayla: Mom, wrap for changes in routine and maintain routine as much as possible for your kids. So give kids heads up when things will be different from normal to try and stave off some of the meltdowns Explain that, instead of having breakfast first thing in the morning like usual, they’ll be allowed to maybe say it’s Christmas morning, they can open presents and then have breakfast. Being able to do that especially if you have a kid who likes routine, being able to let them know what’s going on and that there may be changes, can make it easier and, when possible, maintain routines.

Kayla: Again, we don’t want to have to put up a fight with our kids if you’re on vacation or if you’re staying at a relative’s homes and their kids are staying up a little bit later and you’re trying to fight your kids and they’re staying up late anyways because you’re fighting them to go to sleep. So being able to set that expectation for yourself, find someone that you can vent to Holidays usually means spending time with families, and that, of course, means spending extended periods of time with someone you love but who may or may not share your same values or views, and so being able to vent to someone who is understanding, on your same page, can help you feel like you are going to have a reprieve at some point, versus feeling like you have to bottle this all up and sure if you want to put up a boundary with a family member, but oftentimes during the holidays, if we’re only seeing them this one time of year, it’s not always the best time to put up certain boundaries and practice those things, and sometimes it’s easier to ignore it in the moment and vent to your friend later.

Kayla: Snitch will breaks. If planning your day down to the minute helps you feel relaxed and prepared, be sure to schedule in some downtime. Set aside 20 to 30 minutes with no scheduled activities, a few times each day. If you notice your child getting worn out or anxious or upset, take the break sooner.

Kayla: If your child seems visitate, fidgety, try to give them some physical activity. If they seem anxious, low key, then maybe a quiet break is ideal. Sometimes your child may just need to vent to you, a safe person away from other adults and children. So having that break can help them feel more connected and that you’re there for them.

Kayla: And as a final reminder, manage your own expectations. Trying to stick to your down to the minute schedule if that’s how you work, or checking off your list of 25 holiday traditions can be difficult for young children. And minimize your own stress by managing your own expectations Again, picking a few activities versus all of them, by remembering the temperaments of your child and their own needs and what might bring them joy, with the mix of what’s going to bring you joy, and don’t be afraid to turn down an invitation to an event when your calendar’s already full.

Kayla: Then that doesn’t even mean it has to be full. Even if you’re full to your max of what you can handle, it doesn’t mean full where there’s actually no hours in the day to do anything. Full means what you want it to mean for you. You can still have hours in the day and still have a full schedule and ask for help when possible, and if someone else tries to set unrealistic expectations for you and your family, you can also use it as an opportunity to suggest an alternative or simply just sorry, not this year.

Kayla: So how do I get everything done? When trying to answer this question, it’s helpful to take a look back at the values that you reflected on earlier in the presentation. What are your values, the needs of your children and family and your own needs? The answer to this will help you focus on what really matters and when the perfectionist, people pleasing side of you wants to take over, remind yourself that you are only one person, and hopefully the following slides will get you through your to do list.

Kayla: Plan ahead, if it’s ahead as much as you’d like, break your holiday to do list down into several discrete, manageable steps and Assign yourself one or more of these steps each week in the weeks leading up to the holidays.

Kayla: Planning ahead can also Help relieve some of the stress in terms of not feeling like there’s enough time. For example, I just feel like this month kind of flew by, even though what? We’re only in the second week. But with Thanksgiving on my mind, I’m like, oh, my god, this month is over.

Kayla: We started the month and they were like, oh, there’s a, there’s a can food drive. And Then yesterday we get an email oh, the drive ends tomorrow. I’m like, wait a second. I thought we just started this can food drive. Don’t we have more time Realizing, oh, they don’t have school next week. Of course, the the drive ends today or tomorrow, and so if we’re planning ahead, hopefully things like that do not happen to us.

Kayla: Delegate, I don’t care what anyone says. Your partner and other people in your family can help you do some of this shopping, and even if it’s sending them screenshots of the, the very specific picture, because they don’t know what you’re talking about. Send them the Screenshots or give them a list to navigate on Amazon. They can help you out. Just give them clear, specific instructions for what you need them to do.

Kayla: Take care of yourself. Yes, I’ve said this more times than I can count, but it’s always a much needed reminder. Be sure you’re eating and sleeping and even doing something nice for yourself. While you’re busy doing all of the things nice for everyone else, take the pressure off yourself.

Kayla: Sometimes you may just have to think to yourself screw it, you are not Santa and you don’t need to be. Holidays. Don’t have to be perfect to be wonderful. Cut corners if you need to, and don’t overwhelm yourself, no matter what your beliefs are. The holidays are all about connecting and reconnecting.

Kayla: When you find yourself starting to stress, practice and nervous system regulation, exercise and remind yourself of your guiding values. Remember the reason for the season.